When I was in grade 7 I remember walking down my friend's street on a hot day in the suburbs. We were having a great day and had just rented a movie to watch at her place and stopped for some ice cream as well. We were about 3 houses away from her place when a complete stranger drove by with some of his "buddies" I presume, and shouted "EAT A HAMBURGER" in my direction. I was humiliated.The body shaming started when I was in elementary school. Imagine... not even old enough to understand what was happening and being told I need to eat more. Parents, teachers, kids, all not able to understand why I was so skinny. They would make snarky remarks and what they thought was harmless teasing, scarred me for life. I remember having to ask my mother what anorexic meant when I was in elementary school because people would ask me if I was. My mom would tell me how she had gone through the same thing throughout her lifetime. She has been skinny, "underweight" almost her entire life. When she was pregnant with me, her doctor was appalled that she was barely gaining any weight. If you saw her from behind when she was 9 months pregnant, she looked like an everyday skinny girl. She would try desperately to explain that the people at dairy queen knew her by name, as she had been a regular for months. No one would believe her.
When I was born they thought there was something wrong. I wouldn't gain weight throughout the first year, and then second, third...I now understand why we have such a large collection of McDonald's happy meal toys in the basement. My parents were probably sick of being judged every time we went to the doctor. I still get looks from nurses each time I step on the scale at my physical.
It's the worst feeling in the world when you know you're healthy and live a healthy lifestyle everyday and you have people tell you you're too skinny. You're underweight. You need to eat more. This really got to me when I hit high school. I would constantly try to show everyone how much I could eat. I was always trying to get people to believe me and understand I just had a really fast metabolism and two skinny parents. THAT'S ALL. What more do you want from me? I had a gym teacher that was pretty tough. She would always say "If you have your period the best thing for cramps is to be active". Our all girls gym class HATED when she said that. One week we had to keep track of our diet everyday in a chart and hand it in at the end of the week. My chart consisted of a small breakfast, lots of prepackaged snacks for lunch and a shit load of crap after school. I remember putting down 2 slices of pumpkin pie, a hot pocket, whatever we had for dinner (which was always a well balanced meal), cookies, chocolate, ice cream, and chips. My teacher was not impressed. But at least it shut her up.
My dad would tell me that he also had a hard time with his weight. He was even skinnier than I was! When he was in college he wore skinny jeans and his hair was super long. One time someone tapped him on the shoulder and said "excuse me miss". I think he must have had a harder time than me after hearing that story.
I had a teacher in grade 10 ask me how I can find pants that fit me. My response was "Easy. I just go into the store and buy the smallest size. No need to try anything on". I think that made her jealous. At least that's what I was trying for. My mom would always tell me "Jill, they're just jealous that you're slim and they're not". This would help a little but at the same time I thought it was really wrong for someone to say such hateful things to someone about their body, the one thing they have with them every step of everyday out for the whole world to see. You get one body and that's it. To say to someone that it's not the way it should be and that it needs to be a different size or shape to be beautiful is one of THE most damaging things you could ever say to someone. Which is why I have never told anyone that they were too big or too small.
I have never told someone "Oh, if only you were 10 pounds heavier you would be perfect". I have heard this sentence on more than one occasion at work. I work with the Lebanese population at a restaurant in Canada. This has tested me on many levels. First of all the Lebanese have a different culture than my own. It involves food, food, and more food. They love to eat and celebrate with food. Second, I'm in a restaurant where food is made none stop. They will tell me everyday that I'm too skinny. That I need to eat more.
And here is why they think I don't eat enough: 1. The managers don't appreciate people taking advantage of the fact that there is food available. They don't want the employees eating without paying ALL the time. So I respect this and usually have my dinner when I get home later. 2. I'm usually on the cash serving customers and don't want to greet them with a mouth full of food. And we have people coming in and out all night. 3. Now that I'm in my 20's I'm a relatively healthy, clean eater and the options we have at work don't exactly fall into that category.
I have had customers ask me "how do you stay so thin while working here?". I've worked there for 5 years, and can never tell them the truth which is in fact not only am I naturally like this but also because I don't eat their food.
During the last few years, I gave up on trying to gain weight the unhealthy way by cramming as much crappy processed food I can into my body. It had no effect what so ever. I decided to try and gain muscle (which is heavier than fat) and eat well. I can proudly say it has helped me immensely. I have gained some muscle, and some confidence. I feel like a stronger person inside and out. It's unfortunate that I wasn't as confident before, because of other people. But I still get those snarky comments from people (especially at work where I'm covered up and still have the silhouette of an underweight, skinny girl) but I know inside I'm a much stronger individual.Don't get me wrong, I'm still very small and all my old clothes from high school still fit me, but at least I'm a little more toned. Just remember, before you call a slim girl skinny, think to yourself would you call a curvy girl fat? I want girls and guys to know that you don't have to feel like you have to prove anything. You can be who you are as long as your healthy. In order for me to be stronger inside I needed to be stronger outside, but that doesn't have to be the case for everyone. Don't let the haters get to you! If someone is trying to bring your self esteem down it's usually because they've unfortunately had theirs brought down by someone else.
Be a kind, loving, understanding individual. We need more of those!
-Jill
